“An old cowboy song celebrates home on the range, where deer and antelope play, but anyone who has seen deer and antelope knows that when they are frolicking they scarcely look where they are flinging their hooves, which is why cowboys have been pummeled almost to extinction.”
— Lemony Snicket
“There are some who say that you should forgive everyone, even the people who have disappointed you immeasurably. There are others who say you should not forgive anyone, and should stomp off in a huff no matter how many times they apologize. Of these two philosophies, the second one is of course much more fun, but it can also grow exhausting to stomp off and huff every time someone has disappointed you, as everyone disappoints everyone eventually, and one can’t stomp off in a huff every minute of the day.”
— Lemony Snicket
“Poet Robert Frost died, in 1963. We do not know if it was against his wishes.”
— Lemony Snicket
“If you try to avoid every instance of peer pressure you will end up without any peers whatsoever, and the trick is to succumb to enough pressure that you do not drive your peers away, but not so much that you end up in a situation in which you are dead or otherwise uncomfortable. This is a difficult trick, and most people never master it, and end up dead or uncomfortable at least once during their lives.”
— Lemony Snicket
“Death is something you cannot escape, such as death, or a cheesecake that has curdled, both of which always turn up sooner later.”
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid
“One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes, with a poisonous toad waiting patiently beneath a clump of weeds, knowing full well that eventually you will step on him.”
— Lemony Snicket
“Shyness is a very curious thing, because, like quicksand, it can strike people at any time, and also, like quicksand, it usually makes its victims look down.”
— Lemony Snicket, The Austere Academy
“It has been said that the hardest job in the world is raising a child, but the people who says this have probably never worked at a comb factory or captured pirates on the high seas.”
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid
“It is very frustrating not to be understood in this world. If you say one thing and keep being told that you mean something else, it can make you want to scream. But somewhere in the world there is a place for all of us, whether you are an electric form of decoration, peppermint-scented sweet, a source of timber, or a potato pancake.”
— Lemony Snicket, The Latke Who Couldn’t Stop Screaming
“Announcing your death should be like announcing that you are a lunar moth: It must be done quietly or it will not be believed.”
— Lemony Snicket, Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can’t Avoid
